Old Poem

Here are the titles, here are the stories, here are the woes and misfortunes of the life that loathes and respects the solitude of souls...

Here are the porings, the loves the lusts and happenings, here are the darknesses represented in happinesses, the smiles the glimpses and the lapses...

Here are the broken, here are the thought to be healed and forged and tap dances, here are the feelings, here are the thoughts and emotions of the emotionless forgetfulness of lost friends, and new brothers...

Here is to long lengths, and extreme measures, here is to wash outs and walk ons, here is to pain and plain view disdain, here is to men of valor forgotten by opinions, and the women who stood at their side thought to be slaves, but never happier and proud to be the reinforcement for an army that would of never made it without them...

Here is my soul, here is my spirit, here is my mind and all kinds of lost hurt, here is the love that no one has seen, and no one will, here is to imperfection, and how it pisses me off, here is to my demeanor, and the way I walk, here is to pride and the way it destroys all men, until their redemption or as I call it their compensation...

This is what I see when I look down, a foot, now leave it alone...

This is what I see when I look up, a face, a case of mystery laced by my doubt and distributed by my bull shit and love to see people who are happy, and lost in their misery coming out of pain, only because I did that once and I wish I could do it every day until I die, for that was the day I fell in and out of love...

When I look at my left hand I see a person I do not know, and am not sure if I want to be...

When I look at my right hand, I see one corrupted by a world I knew nothing of until I was taken out of it, I’m not a victim, I am the perpetrator, I am the prosecutor and the remnant left behind by the sin that filled me, how could I ever be the perfection that was asked of me, I don’t think I could ever be what he asks me to be, from on high, I’ve always felt perpetually out of place and never at home, and they say that’s because this isn’t my home, and I ask should that debilitate me...

When I look at my heart it is a weak one, its one that the father shunned for its very nature is death, and I use it with my every breathe, but to no avail for by His power I deny it, but I still soak in the presence of what I will be until the day I die, which is that sinner, and that lie...

I am not something special, that he died as I still was a betrayer, and the only Love I have comes from a man, that I have never seen, and wont until he awakens my heart and makes it strong eternally by his uttered word, it is his command I wait for, everything from my fingers to my core...

Late.
I worked at a summer camp on the construction crew. I don't really construct much. My boss was a guy who had made millions as a private contractor. He reminded us from time to time that we'd never make it in the industry- if we weren't working for a christian summer camp.
One morning he decided that we'd been late too often. We being Spev, Myself, Burley and Ben. He decided that he would start the truck at 6:59 and put it into drive at 7am sharp. The first morning we were early. The second morning found Ben and Burley running after the truck. Really this whole post could be about Burley- his name was a true oxymoron. At 5'10, 130 lbs Burley was anything but. He was not strong. He was not technically skilled. He was not big. He wore a fisherman's hat, sunblock everywhere and those clip on glasses that are designed to shade your eyes or be used as paddles if you find yourself mid-lake without one.

This post is not about Burley. It's about comparison.

I always thought I was fine if I was better than the guy next to me. I wasn't that late if I was there at 7:03 as long as Burley and Ben were there at 7:05 or 7:20 as often the case was. My boss leveled the field. He put the truck into drive at 7am. If you were late you were late- not a little less late than so-and-so. Check yourself. It's only you. It's only me.

So, I write this, at 12:43. Trying to catch the truck.

Just Take Me Home Already

You know better than I do how quickly we could be through all this.

So why? Why let me waddle around in shit? What kind of parent are You?

Just grab my wrist, slap it hard, and make me get into the cosmic minivan.

Ground me. Send me to bed without dinner. Whatever.

Just take me home already.

I know You're patient.

In fact, that's the problem; I'm growing to despise Your patience.

But I suppose You'll be patient about that, too.

Remember when You knew my left knee wouldn't carry me

So You fixed it?

Just like that?

Well can't You just do it again?

I mean, it's basically the same thing.

Somewhere in my head my joints don't work right.

They're rusted out hinges. They're bent.

They stick; I want to do right by You but my hinges stick.

I want to quit shoving my nasty hands into those piles of filth.

I get coffee grounds under my fingernails.

I get used tissues and feminine products stuck to the backs of my hands.

I get bits of busted light bulbs embedded in my forearms.

I get to the bottom. I touch it a couple times. I look around a little.

Then I retrieve my hand and lick it.

I grimace and decide not to do it again.

I feel sick for a day.

I write about it online, like I'm determined to change it.

But I can't.

But You can!

Look, You know I hate this.

I know You hate this.

Can't that be enough?

Journey

This is what I think it should look like. Intense closeness with the Holy Spirit, where my identity is firmly planted in him, Jesus' eyes become mine and I spend my day doing what the father is doing, loving on people. Time spent every day soaking in the Word, my heart being a sponge that hungrily soaks up words of life and truth and wisdom, and I walk away changed, cut to the quick, and able to quote entire passages from 1 and 2 Kings. All activities become worship, including eating breakfast, having meetings, checking my email, writing in blogs, taking a shower, drinking coffee, driving my sweet ride, and playing Gladius on Xbox. I think I equate this with some sort of advanced level of meditation, like reaching some sort of nirvana type state. My eyes are always filled with peace, I stop chewing my nails, and a shimmering halo appears above my head.

And I have never attained this. And I never will. And knowing this has been the cause to no end of consternation and condemnation. I have always held my daily walk up to this standard and found it to be entirely lacking. I believed that upon reaching a certain age (21, 25, 27) that this would suddenly and quite inexplicably be reversed, and holiness would be attained.

It's always been about the destination. I've defined it, and been focused on reaching it.

I believed that older men in my life had reached this state, but it turns out even Jerry Kaldor, Joe Harting and Michael Gatlin still haven't seen this sanctification come to fruition. As much as these men are living lives dedicated to the pursuit of Jesus, I still don't spy sparkling halos peaking out from behind their heads.

Lately Jesus has been telling me it's not about this destination I've created. And I am relieved. It's about the journey forward. We strive for the prize, but the prize isn't sanctification but rather the prize is Jesus. We get him.

And we're all on this journey. We're all in pursuit of this prize. And as a 27 year old worship pastor, I'm not "there". And as a 87 year old ornery codger, I still won't be "there". But each day between now and then, I will strive for the prize, I will dive into this dangerous relationship with my Creator who is crazy about me, and let him deposit the discipline in me to keep my fingernails out of my mouth.

RSVP Ignored

I can imagine their wedding dance. My mom in her starched, 


lacey-white, matrimonial cowboy hat and my dad keeping


a beat with only the occasional squat and sway of his 
gray,

tuxed hips. And while they maybe two-stepped to a little 
John Denver,

a corsaged Aunt Kathy held post at 
the guestbook - the one with the

enormous plumed pen that 
ran out of ink somewhere between

Great Uncle Leonard and a 
surname of Lundgren.

Did someone scratch my name 
down in those gray, embossed pages?

I was there, too. I was there humming along to “Country Roads”

and feeling 
the waltzing chafe of Grandpa Shermer’s midsection

as he 
shuffled through a dollar’s worth of dance.

Between twirls 
and dips on chipped, church linoleum and

niceties with the 
horn-rimmed organist, I, too blushed at the

joke repertoire coming from 
Uncle George and

other schnockered uncles circling 
near the cake. Preludes of

“a guy walks into a bar” and 
“one man says to another man”

were met with slaps on suited knees, a swallow of Grain Belt and

bites of marble cake smothered 
in white-ish frosting.

And with each punch line, I made myself more at home in the first trimester. 



I hope Mom sipped a Grain Belt that night.


I hope her dress was cinched tight around her waist.


I hope that they had no idea I was there, hiding 


somewhere between her bladder and spleen, already


developing a taste for dancing around in dresses.

beauty

beauty.

There are things that are so beautiful to me that I have a hard time thinking about them coherently. My daughter's eyes are deep blue pools of mystery. Maybe you didn't know that. Now you know.

She looks up straight into my eyes from her 30'' post and time doesn't stand still so much as become warped and strange. I see in the deep blue of her eyes tremendous courage, and not just grit your teeth courage, but the courage that literally laughs at danger. She has the courage to roll right off the changing table without flinching, crawl out of her high-chair and across the table without the slightest hesitation. Her baths are not so much about cleanliness as they are opportunities to plunge her own face beneath the water repeatedly just for the wet splashy fun of it. In her eyes there is total wonder and amazement for every new thing. When was the last time you were in total wonder and amazement?

The love she expresses to me in a simple look is tangible. I can choose to sit passively in the room with it like a fat guy in a recliner sits with his TV thinking about cracking open another Grain Belt, or I can take it in and savor it like one of Trevor's amazingly feckless caramel rolls that dance around your mouth like sensual Russian dancers until they collapses from pleasure, fall, and slide down your throat into your gullet.

I used to sit in the room with Love. Love used to bounce tennis balls off of my head just to get me to look away from the asinine computer games. Love used to kick at my shins and call me silly names just to get me to crack a smile, but I mostly ignored it. I even thought Love was driving my dick into a woman as hard and frequently as possible. It's not, by the way.

You can sit in the same room with Love for years, and I did until Love dunked me under the water so deep that I forgot my self loathing. I forgot my insecurity. Shame. Guilt. Inadequacy. I forgot my daddy issues and addictions. Love held me under the water thrashing and dieing until I forgot to not breathe, and came up choking, screaming, mostly dead, and totally clean.

My daughters eyes are pools of mystery. With her eyes she gives me an almost ceaseless stream of love. I don't just sit in the room with it. I take it in, savor it, and let it swirl around inside of me. My daughters eyes are deep blue pools of mystery. Maybe you didn't know that.

Now you know.

Mirror

I came in and was dripping wet. The stainless steel furniture and white walls almost blinded me but I was ready for them to invade my space once again. When ever I came in from the damp character ridden world outside my door, the cleanliness of my apartment seemed to always catch me off guard. Though at once it put me to ease to know I was home. Work had been exceptionally difficult to cope with today. I had had unfinished business with an old flame. It had opened old wounds, but now it was all finished so I needn’t worry about it any more.

I slipped off my coat and let out a large sigh that to me rang off the walls of my little apartment. I sat in my favorite chair and again sighed. I still had my drenched coat in my hand and I stared long at the wall in front of me. After a short while my head fell back onto my chair and my eyes closed. I quickly entered a dream. It seemed to me it was more of a memory, when I had first met her. Lala. She was fantastic, and instantly I attributed her to the song of that name. Yet in my dream she never faced me. She was wearing all black. And her shoulders heaved up and down as if she was weeping. I tried to touch her, but every time I spun her around, it was her back I would see, and then I took my hands off her shoulders and they were covered in blood.

I sprang my neck forward and looked at my watch, 530. It had been a short nap. I looked down and saw my jacket on the floor I picked it up after slipping off my shoes and setting them next to the chair. I went to hang up the coat… “Damn!” my wet coat had created a puddle the size of Lake Michigan and now my right sock was soaked all along the bottom and I caught sight of it quick enough to see the moisture travel up the sock to just above my arch.

After I hung up my coat I took off my socks and jumped in the puddle my jacket had left behind, by spreading out the water it would dry quicker, and for once I could forget about work, and feel like a kid again. I walked down the hallway towards the bath room. But I stopped once again and began to stare, this time out the window. The window was fogged over, but water dripping on the inside and outside cleared little lines of substance for me to indulge in. I looked at my watch, 630. That was a good day dream. I reached my hand around the corner and flipped on the light in the bathroom and poked my head around the corner to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I paused. Then headed for my bedroom.

As I entered my room, I slipped off my shirt. I feel on my bed. Grabbing a slice of day old room temperature pizza. I ate it, counting the cracks in the ceiling. Upon arriving at 44 I got up and went back to the bathroom. I squared up to the mirror. I looked in my own brown eyes for what seemed like long enough not to see anything. Then followed my nose, crooked long nose to my prudish lips. I practiced a few smiles but my teeth aren’t straight enough for smiling, though their color is well suited for the task.

My arms did not betray my occupation. Though my jaw line may to a person with a keen sense about them. My hands, my hands betray all things, from death to ignorance, to justice and wisdom. When it came to it, my body could and would not be seen as anything other than a young man, but my eyes… those eyes, those are the eyes of a murderer.