SHE is for the weak and wise.
HER, no clever coy disguise.
My sense of safety risks no rise
My sense of safety risks no rise
From SHE or HER colorless eyes.
It wasn't SHE who, all alone,
Ensnared my heart to forge HER throne.
SHE did not shatter all I'd known,
But MEGHANN splintered hope like bone.
I did not throw myself at SHE
Just to recoil instantly.
SHE uttered no heart-scouring plea,
Just to recoil instantly.
SHE uttered no heart-scouring plea,
But ANNIE bore the tragedy.
HER kiss was not the sweetest grace
That my naive young lips would taste.
Not HER green eyes did thoughts displace,
But I was lost in KALI's face.
SHE is for the weak and wise.
In dreams of HER no danger lies,
But through a name, lips, hands and eyes
Real hurts and hopes I realize.
Posts
I have to ask, is this a new piece or old, because if it's new it's one of the real gems written in this blog so far in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYour sense of meter flows really nicely in this piece Mr. The Bard, and your use of alliteration is both tasteful and tasty. Well done The Bard, well done.
Since I'm trying to be more critical... in a good way I'll just say that the ending is a bit weak. The piece seems aborted, and ends too soon. I am left wanting more, and a bit disappointed that you waded out into deep and treacherous waters, but didn't strike out and swim for the other shore.
Also, the title doesn't fit the tone of the piece whatsoever. The poem is deeply personal, but the title is trite and bordering on sarcastic. This piece has real beauty and depth to it, don't be afraid of that or cover your tracks with humor. You are strong in your transparency.
That was maybe a bit too much. I really really like this poem Jake. I've read it through 5 times just while writing my criticism.
diamond cutter joe, you are a gentleman and a scholar. i couldn't agree more with those two points.
ReplyDeleteThis is a deeply personal poem. I felt the risk as I posted this, and just like I would have done were I talking about such personal things face to face, I added some dry humor to cushion the blow, and even as I typed up the title, i knew i didn't like it. i plan on reworking this some.
here's a question: as i re-read it now, i wonder if i confidently stand by my choice to capitalize and italicize the pronouns and names. as the rule of thumb when writing creatively goes, "show, don't tell". i feel like i'm dumbing it down a bit by drawing such attention to them, saying "hey, these are the important words". YOUR thoughts?
and yes, it's a newby, written for this blog.
ReplyDeleteYou may be right about the capitalization. I don't think it's necessary, but doing visual things with the words can be a way of "showing." I think you could safely go either way on that one. Does anyone else have any thoughts on the matter?
ReplyDelete