10 April 2014

Lonely

 I am destined to write pure shit for a while.  There might be a worthwhile thought buried deep under the steaming piles, but in the meantime there is a river of shit to wade through.

I grew up surrounded by a fog of language.  A certain way of speaking, and by default a particular way of looking at the world.  It has not served me well.

Here is what the fog sounds like.
"The world is scary and dark.  People are naturally evil.  You are better than them.  Even though there is so much humanity, it is only those who live in this fog who matter.  Those fools outside the fog are so much firewood for the furnace of an angry god."

Now that I have taken a few lurching and scared steps out of the fog the world seems brighter and more lovely.  People seem like they are doing the best they can.  The mass of humanity that is so different from me is wise about matters I have never even considered.

And I am lonely.  The friends I had before promised to walk with me, but the context changed.  Perhaps even the basis of it all changed.  The relationships dissolved.  Maybe I didn't know how to be a friend.  I don't know.  Perhaps we were never really friends.  More shit I guess.

It is lonely though.  I have never in my life looked at my fellow man with such a lack of judgement or criticism, and I have never felt so alone.

The opposite of play is not work.  It is depression.
Perhaps the opposite of faith is not doubt.  Perhaps it is fear.

2 comments:

  1. I miss you too bro. Doubtlessly- doubt is the spawn of fear. much love to you and yours from across the foggy marshlands to the west -ecb

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  2. I can taste this one. My heart sinks with reality, too, my friend. This city has swallowed me like a whale, and there are little windows between some of the ribs showing me where I am not, reminding me of what it was like before I went swimming in the ocean. I realize that I am more of a pinnocchio than a Jonah. It feels weird and... Lonely.

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